A letter of myself & to myself

For twelve years now, I've been working and studying my craft as a writer/Poet. Within these 12 years I've managed to write several books of poetry, soon to be 8. I've managed to launch a website, a book club, start a podcast, now creating two masterclasses teaching the black history of poetry and how it can help with your mental health while also teaching how to write and read poetry using my own as the foundation. Of course this is on and off through the years of development. There is no such thing as easy when you are working on your goals and trying to achieve something. There are ups and downs. Situations happen from needing to relocate, to relationships happening on and off, to family issues, sickness, health, job or no job. Having money to being broke to having money again to being broke again. Alot comes with development of your craft.

 when people talk about you, some may say all of the good things. Some may say all of the bad things. It's very few that say the good.  There's a lot that say the bad. Because there's something in you that they don't have. And therefore you are no good. And they tell other people that you are no good, you don't listen, you're not doing what you supposed to do, you're not doing anything with your life. You're wasting your time and your life. You don't have this, you don't do that.  alot of times when people say these things about you, it's usually because they don't know what's going on with you. Or they are not around to see the late nights when you're up reading and studying, when you're writing and editing for 4 to 6 hours a day, sometimes longer. They don't see you working on your website. They don't take the time to see and understand. And the reason they don't see what you do is because they don't see the results of things. They don't see you with a car. They don't see you with a nice house. They don't see you with expensive clothes and shoes. They swear up and down that just because you don't have a car, you automatically don't have a drivers license. It doesn't register that maybe you do and might be saving up for a car or it's not in your budget at the moment. They look at what you don't have or what they think you don't have or what they think you're doing or not doing and make assumptions and spread it around like it's fertilizer. And the people that believe them, don't take out to ask you if it's true or not. And now this perception of you that you are nothing. Forget about the several books you've written and published on your own. Forget the website, forget the masterclass and podcast. Forget that you worked two jobs on and off. Forget that you are now in school and taking three different classes trying to get three different licenses that can and will boost up your business. Forget that you are a parent now and you get up at 4am every morning making sure that your child is taken cared of no matter how tired you are, no matter how hard it is. I doesn't matter that you make sure there's food in the house so that everyone can eat. It doesn't matter that you're doing your best day by day trying to balance everything out and keep a positive attitude. It doesn't matter that you wake up every morning and the first thing you do is talk to God and ask for guidance so that you can get through the day. None of that matters when someone or some people got it in their head that you are a nothing and you're not doing anything with your life. And you're not doing what you are supposed to do. Or what they think you should or should not be doing. There's something in you they don't have. You may not know what it is and may not ever know. But this is when seeking validation from yourself comes in to play. When you validate yourself, nothing and no one else matters. When you love and care for yourself and when you know your own heart and what kind of person you are, nothing else matters. When you are proud of yourself for all of what you've done, and what you're still doing and trying to accomplish, nothing else matters. That doesn't mean you're perfect. No one is perfect. You make mistakes. You've made mistakes. And people find time or make time to throw those mistakes in your face. And it's all because there is something in you they don't have within themselves. There's something in you that God gave you and not them and they don't understand why. Your happiness is for some reason in question. Your happiness bothers them. Your joy bothers them. I'm Not talking about those who  wish you well and have seen and heard you do Great things. Those very few people that you keep around you because  they are real people. They don't judge, they are honest, they caring, they are loving. They are supportive. They help when they can. They see that something in you and is proud of you. Those are the people you can be yourself with.

I'm a student. I don't know everything. I take time out to learn and grow and I go. Because there is no blueprint except for the essence and presence of God. I do what I can, take care and try to worry about what I can control and not what I can't control. I'm learning that lesson now. Everyday. I can't control how people see me or view me. I can only focus on myself.

People have the wrong idea of me. Or they refuse to see me as I am. They don't talk about how I get up every morning, light a candle, listen to a jazz Playlist, drink a cup of coffee, read a passage from the Bible, the quran and a  ma'at prayer. Read a poem or two, read an affirmation, and Write in my journal. This is how I mentally prepare myself for the day. And it doesn't always go this route especially since now I have a two year old with a lot of energy and need my attention. And people don't really know this. To be honest because I don't tell anyone this is what I do. I just do it. I don't feel I should have to tell people everything I do or don't do. Some things doesn't need an explanation. Some things ain't your damn business. I try to live a private life. Once people get your business and in your space where you have peace, all hell breaks loose. Especially when you're not doing what people want you to do. Or what they think you should do. People want to be part of the journey so bad, and when you say no to them, to some things they ask for, now you're a problem. And that's when people spread bad things about you to other people. They don't have access so therefore, you are a nothing. They throw dirt on your name. They belittle you in every way possible. They try to make you feel like you have an obligation to them. When you say and show them that you don't, you're now a problem. You have a mission that doesn't include everyone. You can't take everyone with you. You shouldn't have to. You don't owe anybody anything. And if people don't respect that, don't respect you.  They try to take advantage of you because they know that you're nice and you're quiet. And you will say yes because you love them. You like them. You're a good person. Let them go. It'll hurt but let them go. You're hurting yourself holding on them, on to disrespect. You're holding on to carelessness, to misunderstandings, to mistreatment. You're breaking your own heart. Let them go. Let those people go. Because the world is so much bigger than you think it is. You owe it to yourself And you have things to do. Those people that breaks your heart, let them go before you lose yourself. Don't lose yourself over people who act like they don't know who are and what you're about. Don't lose your character, your dignity, your self worth, your values, and your morals. Don't lose all of that hard work you did and are still doing to maintain and to grow into your true self. Lose them. Not you.